Things you wish youd heard people say

Mustard is now the number one bought and sold condiment in the world Salsa and ketchup were disqualified after testing positive for Steroids.

Where the ocean ends the nightmares begin... then severe cramping

Congratulations!! you've given birth to a beautiful lizard

Ever thought about buying a gasoline powered turtle neck sweater?

I know size matters... Which is why i brought this blender!

I am not clapping. This is a revolution of the hands.

Dont flush if your inside the White house it doesnt go anywhere.

I once wrestled a bear. OMG who did this.

whos idea was it to pickle your baby sister.

Preacher "If you dont take this woman I will."

Wanna drop acid then watch mythbusters?

Large black men on TV in commercials seem very trustworthy

---Things youll never hear from a guy say section---

Im lousy in bed.

Ive never liked beer or peanut butter.

I actually was not listening.. how did you know?

YES! you look fat are you happy now?

Lets have a guys night just for us boys.

Excuse me can i ask you for directions

I have standards

Im concerned about my weight

No I dont want a steak just turn up desperate housewives

Taking Suggestions, topics I want to hear about are

"Things youd never hear a Preacher say"
"Things a pornstar doesnt want to hear at work"